What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 30.06.2025 00:56
We all went to grammer schools
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
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She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I've written three books, but I haven't been able to promote them yet. What should I do?
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
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Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
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She was in good health!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Who then, do I blame.?
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I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
One cannot live in the past .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
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I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
We were not on the streets..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
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I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I said to her
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
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I did it because my mum asked me too!
I write beautiful poetry .
All the time i was locked up.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
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What did i know ?
And i lived it daily.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
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She married twice! .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I don,t even have a pension.
I will be 64.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I think the readers, may guess!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
She loved him until the end.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I never cut or harmed myself..
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
It was going to be , some day.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Put me off passion for life!!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
This is soul school!.
He knew the spot.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
My family never makes their pension either.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
So whats the point in blame.
When she asked me how she looked .
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I have no regrets .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I was scared of men, in general
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But, we were locked up after school.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But ive been too sick for many years..
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Would this be the day?
They are buried together, in the same grave..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Im still living with it.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I was seconnd youngest,
As i do to all so called friends.?
Especially a lifetime of it.
Comes on , in middle age.
I was 9 years of age.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
(And it was in our own minds.)
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
My life is so biszare .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Ive learnt so much.
She wouldn,t have been !
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But it wasn’t much.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I waited trembling.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Why did i forgive my father ?
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I couldn’t, believe it.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
So, i spoilt her more .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She found it foreign!.
Was to survive, this bastard.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He resisted the act ,that day.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I could never make a relationship work though!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I was very sick at this time too.